Sanity on a String

I thought it was impossible to visit hell before you die - given the fact that you belong there after you die??? Point is, I may not be 90, but in this short life, I went through a week of it... And let me tell you, not pleasant, lonely and a very, very dark place.


The learning I took away - you either truly know how to value those you love or you don't; you either know to tell them how important they are before they're gone, or you don't; You make every effort to make them first, or you don't; You remember to say a little thank you, or... well you get the idea.


I guess the bottom line of my non-sequential thought process is that you may go through hell and back, but to that other person, it's irrelevant and unimportant and really - has no weight in the grand scheme of things.... while you - you struggle with every waking day, battling the demons that now haunt you - hopefully not forever, but right now - sure feel like forever.


Something has changed in my heart and mind - just trying to pin point what it really is and figure out what to do with this change.

How Do You Title Longing?

I wonder if that cliche of "woman's clock" has any truth....
or maybe it's just that I'm seeing all my friends settle down and find that person they want to spend the rest of their life with...If that feeling isn't mutual do you count your losses and look somewhere else?  What if the heart doesn't want to look anymore.
It's starting to ache... to wonder if I deserve that stability; that commitment; the respect; the honesty; that other person wanting to spend the rest of their life with me....
Even the one most non-committal friend I have has now made the plunge.
Maybe it's just me... seems like there are 1000 reasons why it's me... 
I guess, at least if all else fails, I'll be there....

Disassociated

Wide-eyed, non-blinking lied to
In the face, with a smile
Brushed aside
As if just another moment in time

Lost in space
Out of Place
Can't escape
A world that's superficially mine

Won't relate
Or incorporate
Or let me be
all that I am as part of you

Spoken to
Like a child
My importance, non-chalance
Not intended to be made whole

Remember the Time?

Do you remember the last Christmas that Santa was real?
Or the tooth fairy would grant you a dollar for your baby teeth?
How about when the twinkle of the stars was no longer Neverland happy thoughts
And when Prince Charming didn't rescue Snow White because she wasn't asleep


It appears... every happily ever after must die; and die must every happy soul.

One Last Time

What do you do when the one thing you treasure most feels like it's slipping away like water through your fingers?

You want to hold on, but the forces are against you?

How do you stop the pulsing pain each time you take a breath?

And when I'm Sorry can't unbreak the heart?

Hello Teacher, Tell Me What's My Lesson

I've realized that when your world is crumbling there are always two kinds of people in your closest vicinity: The ones that try and help hold the walls up and the ones that push the walls down to crash on you harder. The ones that try and help hold you and pull you out of the rubble, does not point a finger at you as to why your world is crumbling and why you are so weak beneath the rubbles. The other, well if they are piling the bricks on top of you, I think that it is obvious what they are and are not doing.

Is it fair to judge the homeless man begging for his next dollar when you have no idea his circumstances and why he is where he is? Would it help him to be criticized if all he needs to survive is one more meal? The world has enough cynicism, hypocrisy and hate and definitely not enough of empathy, understanding and love.

Looking on a smaller scale, often times in each of our lives, the people you cherish most are the first to point, stare and laugh. It is an irony because these same people willingly reach out their hand to strangers. Is it really only because you love them that you dare to hurt them? Has society twisted our minds so badly that we believe that those dearest to us deserve the least respect, least empathy, least understanding and worst yet should be taken for granted most often?

We are where we are in life because of our circumstances and because of our choices. Often in retrospect we realize we've made mistakes, but it is never wise to project our errors on others and make them the scapegoat for our own imperfections.

A man once said: you are free to judge me if you yourself are without fault. Until you remove the speck from your eye, do not be so arrogant to believe you can help others in removing theirs.
~Take THAT with a grain of salt

730

I went for a drive to clear the congestion in my head.
I got on the highway and for about 6 exits all that was in front of me was congestion. Almost 1/2 hour stuck in traffic at 11:00pm.

If you can't laugh at the ironies in my life, I don't know what else there is to do.

I drove to Ajax and decided gas was $102.9 last I checked and I did not want to pay so much to gas up. I turned around and my street is also CONGESTED... everybody's cars were parked on the road because their drive ways were being paved.

Seriously.

Another Day

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what's right

What does it mean when you're too tired to argue for what should be yours?
When your life becomes a favour to the rest of the world, what do you do?
If you sow and there's no crop, does that make you a failure?
How do you justify begging for something that shouldn't need to be begged for?
Where is the top of the world when all you know is the bottom?
Do you believe in serendipity if it doesn't believe in you?